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The certainty of being

The tendril forces itself out from the stem. Its unyielding fisted coil will conquer this wall. It will push against anything that comes between itself and the next moment. I am in awe of  its unbending vigour. This is certainty of being. Some people seem to have it too.

A trellis has been sunk into the soil to guide it. Thin bamboo sticks held together with bits of wire. But the plant, done with guidance and the polite shootings of its youth, grows prolifically. Nothing will stop it. If this plant has consciousnessness, I wish I could hear its thoughts and learn from it. How does something proceed with such certainty from itself? Is there a voice in nature I have not yet heard? Am I not a part of nature. I am a being in nature? Is this nature, this suburban garden. I wish my nature were more certain of itself, like this sap gorged tendril rigidly, gently finding the crevices it will fill and claim. What precedes being?

If you repeat the word “certainty” over and over again, holding it in your mind with the hope that the repetition locks onto a deeper sense of its meaning, the word begins to feel and sound strange on the tongue. It then sounds more like a self contained sneeze than a sign pointing to self-assurance. It is like this with most words, these utterances we load with meaning and where variously positioned and stressed, mean different things.

We are flesh that has found words. Like the plant creeping across the trellis, we wind our thoughts around moments and push on. We are not certain of where we’re going , only that we go.

a chaos theory

Considering the violence of the cosmos and the catostrophic soup from which we have crawled, we ought not to be alive. Yet here we are, skimming the edge of disaster at 110 000 kph. We are close to nothing, dodging asteroids while trapped in the orbit of a nuclear fusion factory (over 6 billion nuclear explosions every second) we affectionately refer to as the Sun. In physics chaos refers to the unpredictability of a complex system. In everyday life it describes disorder, confusion or turmoil. It is the air we breathe and we are better at dealing with it than we think. It’s just a pity we only trust politicians to guide us through it. We need to take back that responsibility.

Humans have survived against all odds and instead of embracing life, the singular substantial commonality, we seem intent on obliterating one another and the planet that has nurtured us. If we don’t survive the next 100 years we don’t deserve to be here. The experiment of life on this planet will have failed. Disaster and promise, like cosmic exhalation and inhalation are present every moment. There is enough of either for everyone, more than enough. The universe is big. Earth on the other hand is relatively small. A lovely little sphere run through with faultlines that give texture to its surface. The most destuctive flaws on the planet are not the natural ones but the man made ones evident primarily in the way we conduct politics. If we do not learn to stop giving power to fools then we must suffer the consequences. You have a greater chance of encountering death by falling out of bed or off a chair than being shot by a terrorist. Fear appears to have become the politicians best friend.

If we are fortunate and we have the luxury of peace and relative normality away from the condition of being bombed, then we are obliged to nurture hope. One way of doing this is through self education. Ignorance is not an option any more, it is no excuse. We owe it to ourselves to discover our own hope, not the brand any one else offers us.

Something remarkable happens when people are backed into a corner. I reckon humanity will surprise us yet.

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When I have fears

When I have fears of old age, death and the rise of the ‘right’ I have a slow espresso in the garden and say to myself “not yet, not today”. Then I slip into the denial that has served me well in my life so far – that I am immortal. Not immortal in the living forever sense but in the sense that right now is forever and I’m here … 

 

Living the dream

“Livin the dream man” he says and because he knows he’s on radio I suspect he’s dragging his words out slowly to sound like a stoned surfer living in a van with his pet kelpie. He sounds blissfully ignorant, or maybe just indifferent to the strife that is weathering so much of the free world. Like Bacchus on Olympus he couldn’t give a flying fig for the bounds of reality  that bind mundane mortals like myself. What he’s really saying is “I chose a lifestyle that is better than yours.” How how I hate smug, happy and insanely content human beings. How dare they slip off the treadmill, follow their dreams and then rub our noses in it! I’m more frustrated at how in a moment he is undoing years of hard work trying to convince my 16 year old son to study hard, work hard, get a job and take his place beside all of the lobotomised men of his undistinguished family. Generations of us have been suffering like Sisyphus, casting aside the call for adventure to shuffle as slowly as we can from our mortal coils while wrapped up in our linen sacrcophagi, ready to buried, already dead. I’m shocked at how easy he makes happy sound, bastard!

So tell us mate, how are you living the dream? The disc jockey asks smiling (you can hear when people smile).

You’s guys are all stressed out about work and money and rushing here and there an i don’t have that man. Surfer dude says. I don’t got much but i got a lot, you know he continues. Oh someone please shoot him now. I switch off the radio.

I turn left instead of right at a critical juncture on my way to work. I stop and buy a ‘long mach, topped up’ and walk down to the beach where I sit for 10 minutes with a stupid grin on my face. Thanks surfer dude!

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“What a piece of work is a man!”

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An effective tool to counteract the onset of tedium induced by the interminable routine of work is to think of oneself as being an actor on stage. Ultimately it is all entertainment that is short-lived; this relieves one of the burden of taking oneself too seriously. Like life, the nature of work is full of contradictions. It is while doing what we loathe that we understand what we enjoy and even as we pursue what we love we encounter moments of dreariness where we hate the activity. Wittgenstein suggests that when we think we are exploring ideas we are really only exploring the language that represents the ideas. Since language, as the construction material of understanding, hovers between the negative and positive poles of binary opposites, we should not be surprised that life mirrors this perpetual tension.
Perhaps we have become addicted to pleasure and chase the ‘happy’ fix as a by-product of particular action or thought. Pleasure is not happiness and expecting life or work to offer a consistent flow of happiness is a fantasy, like trying to attain the never-ending orgasm. We need to experience the tension between loving and hating to settle into contentment where acceptance of both generates balance. The workplace offers us this tension in abundance and becomes the testing ground of our personal philosophies and belief systems. As emotional beings it is no wonder that we seek pleasure over pain. However, we are also rational beings and this is the space where we process the needs of our work and deliver the goods.
The industrial revolution introduced the era of technology, of systems and production that threatens to transform humankind into units of labour and consumption. It mechanized war and initiated medical breakthroughs which have contributed to increased longevity. Despite increased health and leisure time we appear to be more depressed than ever before. We hate work and in a manner befitting the twenty first century, are consuming our way to happiness with fanatical frenzy. Edwin Brock’s poem “Five ways to kill a man” remains an apt reflection of the human condition. In the poem he concludes that the simplest way to kill a man is “to see that he is living somewhere in the middle of the twentieth century, and leave him there.” The dehumanizing effect of the modern world is a central feature of our art and literature. It is why we still need to come to terms with the notion of work and its impact in our theatre of being.
The prospect of a lifetime of a daily routine to and from work terrified me as a young man and it induced a crisis of being in my early 20’s. The anticipation of being bound to a lifetime of tedium seemed like suicide by slow ordeal. Overcome with hopelessness and growing despair I began searching for meaning within the perpetual slog of repetitive daily routine. I discovered Camus, Leonard Cohen and resilience. My work, engaging young minds in a classroom was fulfilling, but beyond the classroom the rigid regulation bound world of school systems was an internal corrosive. I felt little more than a bureaucratic cog in an immense sausage machine tasked with churning out productive, law abiding citizens who would in turn feed the system ad nauseam.
An event in my first year of teaching illustrates my growing sense of isolation in the school system. Walking along a corridor I came across a year 12 student standing and facing the red brick wall outside a classroom. His nose nearly touched the wall. I suspected he was the subject of Calvinist rehabilitation (corporal punishment was regarded an essential aspect of education then). I paused and shuffled up next to him to stare at the wall,
“OK, I’m looking but I don’t get it?” I said.
“I left my homework at home.” He replied.
“And you hope to find it here?”
He chuckled, “ma’am (female teachers were addressed as ma’am) told me to stand here like this.”
“I suppose it’s better than being inside” I said. We both laughed, too loud. The classroom door opened and the diminutive but steely tyrant stared me down, sneered, sniffed dismissively and shut the door. In that instant I was no longer a colleague but a bumbling school boy. Embarrassed and confused by the situation and my own response, or lack thereof, I slunk away like a child.
It was a seminal moment that began to shape my attitude to work. I felt like a failed court jester and knew I could never expect the system to nurture or support me beyond the meagre salary it provided. Fulfilment at work would depend less on the work being done and more on my frame of mind while doing it. “I work for myself” became my mantra rules became a rough guide secondary to creativity and fun. I wanted to generate enthusiasm and curiosity and have students look forward to getting to class, as much for myself as for them. I admitted ignorance to my students, I could be honest and debates were commonplace; students were learning and I was having fun at work. Later that year we first year teachers were being lectured by a teaching veteran, “work at discipline, work hard and work will be easy…”his voice droned on but all I could hear was Hamlet sigh “words, words, words …”.
By Mike Scallan

Birthing a shadow

I’m birthing a shadow; pushing out a form from within, and

glad to have it out –

to end years of kicking and

pushing and peristalsis in my brain, my

birth canal.

But now, i am shaped around the form that is gone,

the thing got the best of me.

left me squatting over a puddle

where my soul once was.

What did you do there? God will ask me.

I shall say I leaked.

2015 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2015 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,100 times in 2015. If it were a cable car, it would take about 18 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

letter for mother

Mother
Mother

The last time we spoke I struggled to understand your words. A day later you were moved to ICU and two days later you died. But there were other, more important words that passed between us. We spoke often and for that I am grateful. There is a sense of closure in the love we knew we had for each other. I feel remorse at being over 6000km away when you were folding your life away. I wish I could have been there to hold your hand, just once. Sean did that for both of us. I know you would remind me that geography does not alter the state of the soul, that you knew we loved you dearly. We did, do. Now I experience the real cost of migration. You made our leaving easier by supporting it. You were brave that way. I also know it played its part in breaking your heart. What a big heart you had.

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I shall visit Sean in April and together we will with care and all the gentleness we can muster, trace your life in the belongings you left behind. There will be letters we wrote to you as children, hand made gifts from your granchildren … you kept everything. Archeology of the soul. Memories will re-establish your beautiful presence and we will cry. We will encounter your absence in every room of the home. We will embrace your presence which is now only found inside of us. It seems darker and roomier inside, colder. I will feed your birds and water your plants and talk to you. We will laugh. In the laughter we will recall one of the finest gifts you ever gave your sons, the ability to find in the bleakest hour of the day a reason to smile.

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This was meant to be a letter of thanks and goodbye, some sort of eulogy shared. Like our lives it is imperfect, a poor mirror of the vast emptiness your leaving has left. The words do not express my heart, they never do. At best, all they can do is point towards someone they are trying to embrace and whisper the words one last time, ‘I love you mom’.

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p.s. Happy birthday 🙂

The history of the world

Blooms fall,
People fall,
Falling is death,
People are flowers.

I

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We’re all refugees.

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From somewhere in the stratosphere,  we humans must surely resemble ants. We move with purpose and yet we probably appear to be quite random,  chaotic even.

We labour to improve our world. A world that extends about five metres in all directions around our feet. We know the world is bigger than that, but we don’t really live in that world. We think we do though. We entertain thoughts of global citizenship via our mobile phones or laptops. It usually ends there.

On the way home we stop by the local shop for milk, bread, chocolate … we refuel, remember stuff we never did, watch cute pets on Facebook, like things we will have forgotten in ten minutes, eat, talk, sleep.

Then there are refugees fleeing Syria, kids drowning, ISIS blowing up World Heritage sites, idiots running for president, announcing their intention to run, “Run Forest!”, politicians trashing one another, more shootings in America, shooters running, presidents shooting their mouths off, suppressing the desire to run. Then buying eats, rechocolating, facing something, watching hostile people eat cute pets, fuelling animosity, buying kids, wanting to drown politicians, blowing out birthday candles in the wind while stuffing memories of forgetting to … where is the world now and how? Surf the world wide Web. Connect.

Seeking refuge from the world in, in this… running for the safe place where the world goes by quietly without wanting something from you. Unburdening the weight of the world.
Places to see.
Where in the world do I go when I can go anywhere?
Where do I come from? Or Belong? Stop.
Go back to where you came from.

Where do we come from we asked our parents once when we were very small and meant more than our biological origin I suspect. But our parents, and ourselves since then, always say the ‘when moms and dads ‘ thing because we’re not really sure. I mean being on this 110 000kph planet in what? In space, cyber, empty, infinite vastness of whatever then we die but before that we get the stuffing knocked out of us while dreaming of a better life somewhere else and there’s no such thing actually. So, this kid asks me where I come from and I don’t even know where I’m going because soon… So I say there is this egg and sperm and, just then, or maybe it’s 20 years later, who knows? I. I see these thousands of people running away, they’re walking when I see them, and they’ve been bombed and I know they’re human cos by now I know what humans look like and they’re them, and then there’s this discussion about the land and identity, and I imagine ants fighting over bricks. I don’t know if ants are territorial? Are they? I never saw ants fight. Mind you , I wouldn’t know because they might be fighting and it looks like they’re just carrying stuff. Maybe inside their network of tunnels they have strategies for outdoing other ants and maybe there are some clever ants who can argue how they actually own the planet.

I mean it’s possible. Maybe they do. Maybe after we’re dead our ash and ex bodies become ants and we keep on fighting. It must be important. It’s probably right that everyone just goes back to where they came from. Easier that way. We all do any way.
Don’t step on them ants.
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Dear reader

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Conventional wisdom states that a successful blog depends on regular posts. That makes sense. Regularity maintains a strong presence, hones one’s writing skills and is just good discipline.

However,  I only write when I have something to say. I’m still here,  just quiet for now.

Catchya later

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[a teacher's sonnet] by Dane P. Yates on SoundCloud – Hear the world’s sounds

http://wp.me/p3ymuW-dm

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Hamlet’s soliloquy, condensed

http://wp.me/p3ymuW-eh

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Leonard Cohen: 10 of the best

Leonard Cohen: 10 of the best

http://gu.com/p/4857h

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Hamlet’s soliloquy, condensed

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